One of the authors who studied and worked closely with these aspects, Bert Hellinger, observed how certain significant events experienced by a member of our family clan repeat in later generations. Some of the most common examples of traumas or events that hold much pain are the premature death of a parent or a child, death in childbirth, abuse, abandonment, suicide, murder, or some event that has marked the clan from the social aspect, creating an indelible stain that has generated shame for the rest of the members (as is the case of incest or betrayal, among others). According to Hellinger's vision, unconscious loyalty can cause suffering for many people. This unconscious loyalty to our clan members can be why we make certain decisions or suffer specific traumas or limitations that, without always being replicas of what our ancestors lived, have a close relationship with those events because what those traumas seek is to be finally resolved. As a real example, I can mention a family of five sisters who, due to social customs of not having the father's surname, discontinue the family name and, therefore, the end of the clan. The reason: the great-grandfather of these five women was a traitor in his village, murdered from behind as a form of "vendetta." After the man's death, he left his wife and son in absolute poverty with a social stain of betrayal in the village. This experience led them to move to the relatives' house in another town far from where they lived. Years later, this man conceived five daughters after trying to conceive a male child, which was his deepest desire.
The family unconscious not only protects the other members from this social stain by making the surname disappear but also, as a form of "punishment," influences the children (primarily female) not to continue the clan in any way, having difficulties forming a family or establishing stable relationships. The objective is to prevent this possible cruel outcome from happening again. This way, how unconscious identifications with members of our family clan can limit some decisions or difficulties when wanting to continue the clan. When we analyze these aspects, we consider both clans; that is to say, when finding problems that arise from unconscious identification or loyalty with one of the clan's members, we can see that there may have been something similar in the other clan. We are the conjunction of our father's and mother's clans. If we consider the information our ancestors' life gives us, we can open the possibility of understanding some aspects of our current life.
Author: Estefanía Cultrera-Elfring
Bibliography: It didn't start with you [Mark Wollyn], 2016
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