Part of the communication problems we experience as people reside in our internal dialogue. How we speak to each other relates to our respect, love, and trust towards ourselves.
To achieve compassionate communication, which provides benefits at a psychological level, we must first attend to that internal communication. The voices in our heads will determine how we react to an argument and, therefore, the result of that conversation. The authors of the book “Words Can Change Your Brain” [Andrew Newberg, M.D., and Mark Waldman] invite us to reflect on that internal dialogue, which is conscious thoughts and feelings. They also mention that we should try to be more constructive when criticizing in a dialogue to achieve a better and more favorable result. Negative criticism, these authors say, indicates to the person with whom we are dialoguing that they are wrong and that their argument is not valid. It will provoke a defensive reaction in the other person, even when one of the two has a more precise or more accurate argument. In addition, the person in question will not have the opportunity to express themselves, so we will not apply the basic principles of compassionate communication, which also include considering the other person's values. While it is true that it is often challenging to handle these issues clearly, respect and knowledge of what values a person uses in their life will help us create communication with a more positive outcome. One of the strategies mentioned by these authors is to prepare the discussion before carrying it out, if possible.
In many cases, discussions arise from an accumulation of arguments (especially of a negative nature). We see this more often in marital relationships, but it also tends to happen in work relationships. In this case, preparing the points to be discussed and even practicing an imaginary dialogue can help us carry out a more concise and clear communication without the presence of some opposing arguments that we carry in our internal dialogue and that often contribute absolutely nothing good to the conversation we have to carry out. Some studies indicate that emotionally charged discussions can affect health, causing an increase in cytokines, which are proteins that are related to cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, and even some types of cancer. With this information, we can reflect on working on our communication style since it can directly influence our health in the long term.
One piece of advice I often give my clients is to write down their thoughts or record them on audio. It helps us organize our internal dialogue and focus on what is not helpful to us to transform it into something more positive. By rereading or listening to those written thoughts, we allow our minds to prioritize what is essential and release negativity, creating a more proactive mindset.
Words are powerful, and they can change us for better or worse. However, if not used properly, they can be destructive and cause many physical and emotional problems. For this reason, we must be aware of the words we use and how we use them, and above all, be able to identify the internal dialogue that will be a key to quality interpersonal relationships and to taking care of our mental and emotional health.
Another strategy that the authors of the book mention has to do with a basic mindfulness technique: taking deep breaths in search of inner calm. We can do this before a meaningful conversation or even before an argument with another person. It helps us relax the body and will position us differently before the argument. These strategies also teach us to concentrate on our internal dialogue because how we think or feel about a situation will determine the words we use and our relationship with another person, whether at an intimate, family, or work level.
Author: Estefanía Cultrera-Elfring
Bibliography: “Words can change your brain” [Andrew Newberg, M.D., and Mark Waldman]
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